My 7 month old grandson is already there. Overnight he discovered the thrill of desire and fulfillment. I want that, I got that and for this moment I am happy. We all watch and wait… how long will it last? Usually not long enough to give the grown ups the peace and respite that is their entitlement. It all begins so early – does it ever end? Are we ever finally and completely satiated?
I don’t remember my first taste of that fruit but I also don’t remember a time of not having that hunger. The big ones stand out. A Little Bowl of Beans, why wasn’t it more? Why wasn’t it making me happier? Why do I feel so empty and sad? Little kids love to love stuff. They love to long for stuff and then it finally appears. Zap! Just like that the thrill is gone and it’s on to some other stuff. Sometimes it was just as nothing as seeing that new cereal on tv – Fruit Loops or Lucky Charms. Wow. Could Mom ever afford to buy us that? Fancy. Colors. New shapes. I want it. I got it. Looks a lot better than it tastes… Sorry Mom.
Vacation. Now that was an exciting word. The possibility of who knows what? Going to someplace I’d never seen or heard of. Will the people look the same? Will the water taste funny? How cold will it be? I’ve never been really cold. New Mexico?? What does that look like? Carlsbad Caverns here we come!!!
When that sojourn came to an end I was hooked. Gimme more places to conquer. Monterey, the REAL Mexico. Overwhelming. Maybe more than I ever could have imagined in1968. Even the ice cream was not a match to my palette. But it was exotic. Nothing like home. Travel bug is also REAL, as real as the real Mexico. I got bit and started putting a notch on my belt for every new conquest. More More More!
Teenage years are cruel and demand the worst kind of suffering. Longing. Longing that burns. And coming on the heels of the ‘Golden Years” of pure fun and play that precede it exaggerates the condition till it feels unbearable. Ten year olds are in their Prime. Life is no worse than who am I going to play with today? Will Linda Shacklett invite me to spend the night? Will I get a glimpse of the picture on their new COLOR tv? Can we climb trees? Make a rock collection? Take off our ankle socks and wear our flats with naked feet? That was edging into my teenage years. The decline had begun.
Things were for the first time getting kinda intense. My teenage innards wanted EVERYTHING. Clothes top the list, at first – clothes, Clothes, CLOTHES. A girl just wants Go Go boots, A line skirts, Mod dresses and that Yardley look. Can’t wear the clothes without the bod. Oh, if only my legs weren’t so skinny. No way to fix that one. Live with it.
Boys were the next phase of this downward spiral into desire. Hours and hours and hours of daydreaming and mooning and wishing and hoping. And then it happens – invite to the Home Coming dance with Billy Bauml. Shrieks of ecstasy. Could life get any better (for a moment). Begging Dad and my brother to agree that I could stay out past midnight. The perfect night followed by a couple of years (literally) of obsessing over Billy with little or nothing to show for it…
College took the edge off. Way cooler and much less time for mooning and dreaming. But the drug had taken hold and gone somewhere underground. Freedom reigned. Or so it seemed to me. On my own. Making my plans. Pursuing the culmination of eons of pure desire. Choices were big and they were MINE. I can make it happen. Santa Fe in 1970 with hippies in the Plaza made me feel like Dorothy, “We’re not in Kansas, anymore.” It was Trippy. I was beginning to think maybe I was kinda cool and hip. Then off to DC with lots of congressmen riding my elevator (no space to explain here, later). Back to REAL Mexico again and this time it was dreams coming true that I hadn’t even yet imagined. Wild countryside and pueblos that were almost magical.
I was getting mighty sucked into the illusion that I was making it all happen. I wanted it, I got it! I was having some fabulous experiences and that made me feel powerful. But there was a dark side that I was ignoring. My life was also falling apart. It finally crashed right around 1975.
Yes, I made it through and found my way up again. Getting back dictated how I spent my middle years. Dreaming and desiring – first and foremost, just make me normal, God. Thank you. I wanted to be like everybody else. They seemed so happy and all together.
Once that hump was behind me I used the same tactic to get even more ‘normal’. I started to look around (like a teenager but not so open about it) declaring inwardly to whatever god or spirit would listen, “Give me whatever they’re having.” And it worked. A husband appeared. The love of my life. Three children followed. A stay-at-home mom lifestyle (straight from the 1950’s!). Everything was quieting down in my head after years of frantic chatter. Lots of friends, a move out of the state of Texas (ADVENTURE!!), some fun family vacations and Christmas mornings that put my childhood dreams to shame.
30+ years into it I see now that I was naive. As a kid, I asked and sometimes got it. Pretty straight forward. No nonsense. My teenage years were full of angst and yearning but I managed. College took me down the road of SPECIALNESS. That ended too.
As my life got better and better I couldn’t, should’ve and wouldn’t know that I was taking a fun activity like ‘wanting’ or ‘desiring’ and making it my obsession, compulsion and dare I say, ADDICTION? As an adult I felt more and more in control of my life. I thought life was going my way and all I had to do was micro manage and micro manage some more. Situations and circumstances could be managed. They were the stuff of which my happiness depended. Daily life has now become totally an exercise in pursuing my longings – itty bitty and big as Dallas . I’m a full blown Circumstantial Junkie now…
Staring into the eyes of my youngest grandson – this one is only 4 months old, he is lit up like a Christmas tree. I’m lighting up too! Why? We didn’t get anything. Nothing happened. No want or desire was fulfilled. He just looks deep into my eyes and the smile expands. Laughter too. I’m out of control. My eyes are shining my mouth grows side to side. We are both in bliss and it is about to explode us both. This is new. This is my new ‘want’ – my most current desire. I think this is a clue. A change in direction. The key to moving beyond the ongoing pain and suffering of a circumstantial junkie.
In the words of my 83 year old anthropology professor, Senora De Aloja, many years ago in Cholula, Mexico as she ended each class, “Well, we shall see….”
My World My Words 