His name was George. He was related to me but I didn’t know how and it didn’t matter. George was much older than I was and he was very nice. I felt comfortable and safe around him. Our family had given him a temporary home with us. Why? I have no idea what was going on in his life. I’m not even sure if he was college age or older. At the time I figured he was a teenager. Mostly, he was just a warm fuzzy guy. Here’s my favorite memory of George:
Homework assignments usually made my stomach churn. I dreaded almost anything that had to do with school after hours. But this one I was excited about. It involved COLOR. I was tasked with making a color wheel. There were few simple things that lit me up like pure, bright, bold colors.
It seemed easy enough. I’d been instructed to make a big circle (kinda like a clock) and divide it up and make smaller circles for each primary and secondary color. I was eager to get started. Back then we used a metal compass to make circles of all sizes. They had a very pointy and deadly tip that you put on the paper to make the center of each circle. (I wonder if kids can still have something like that in the classroom?). I mean to say that point was lethal! Anyway, making the large circle was easy enough. Spacing the smaller ones required math skills beyond my grade. I’m not sure if this is when cousin George came to my rescue but I sure needed some aid. I was excited to use watercolors for the first time. Each tiny pad of color touched with a wet brush made magic, or so it seemed to me. For some reason I was going to blend and mix the water colors to make the secondary colors instead of using the orange, green and purple provided in the tray. Required? Maybe. Me making life more difficult than was demanded by the teacher? Could be. Anyway, it was thrilling working with the red, yellow and blue cake of color that came to life with a drop of water . Uh oh, too much wetness – the paper is soaked. Crisis. GEORGE to the rescue. Blot it up. Now its fine. Mixing colors, staying inside the circle, don’t make them too dark – wait a minute – what happened to the fun? It’s hard! Every step of the way, George was at my side. He was patience incarnate. Coaching me, soothing me, encouraging me, slowing me down, reassuring me that I was good enough and could make my dream color wheel come true. I couldn’t believe he never gave up on me. Or lost his temper…It seemed to be dragging on for hours. I wanted to run away several times. Just give up. It was an awful color wheel. This is NOT what it was supposed to look like. Let me tell you, I’m not any kind of perfectionist – this thing simply wasn’t turning out right.
Later than my bedtime the project came to a finish. Was I happy and pleased with the final version? I don’t remember… But I never forgot the love and support of my older cousin George. His smile and presence right next to me was cheering me on. It was a gift that was rare in my life and I drank it in and tucked the memory away.
My love for color expanded after I learned the secret of the Primary Colors and how blended together they made every other shade or color in the rainbow – and in the whole world! I loved colors in any form and wherever I found them. It started with wildflowers in the fields where I played in my childhood. Flowers blew my mind. Sunflowers, Wine Cups, buttercups, and these little purplish violet ones that I never had a name for were some of my favorites. Right there in nature – free for the picking were deep and luscious COLORS. Crayola crayons box of 64 created the same thrill buzz as a new IPhone. And FILMED IN TECHNICOLOR at the start of any movie (color was not always a given in my youngster days) got my juices starting to flow. Thrilling. It made any movie extra special. Cowboy movies and Southwest scenery were a particular treat. But Disney animation would send me into an indescribable high. Bye Bye Birdie and any other musical or teenage beach movie saturated in color and hormones was almost too much to run through my senses. My 1960’s wardrobe was a wonderful source of color. Bright pink, hot orange, screaming yellow. It felt like the world was exploding with color everywhere back then. Psychedelic. Far Out! Cars came in colors too. Not just black and gray and silver. Fun colors – burgundy and orange, avocado green and, not to be forgotten my Blueberry Pacer!
Fast forward to the last turn of century. My love affair with colors had faded over the years. Muted and relegated to the background of my life. Now something else was getting my attention in a similar way. I was discovering EMOTIONS. I became aware of their names. Lots and lots of words to put on them. Each one with a unique body sensation. This one is in the head, I feel this one in my gut or stomach, and, OUCH! That one hit me in the back – right in my spine. I was fascinated with the the variety and rapidness with which they came and went. It all felt new and yet, I had to admit that I’d had them my whole life. Hmmm. My old Color Wheel came rolling back into my consciousness – the days before I knew about Primary Colors and blending them. Yep, It’s the same. I saw it as clear as the nose on my face. And thus was born my Color Wheel of Emotion.
It was a no brainer… DUH.
My first lesson was on anger and it was big as Dallas on my plate of emotions to digest. I learned that anger is just fear. How cool is that. Now when I was angry I could stop and ask myself what fear was I trying to hide. Angry women can clear a room pretty fast. The average Joe thinks it’s WRONG, has a stink on it and no man on earth knows what to do with it. Scary. (tears are another kind of scary for men). And then my interest in my angry parts opened up a world of other RED emotions and feelings. Jealousy, resentment, vengeance, judgment, superiority to name a few obvious spin offs.
RED/ ANGER was placed at the tip of my Emotional Color Wheel. It had to be red. No other color gets the feel of anger so easily. You’re angry – you’re seeing red…
It doesn’t take a genius to follow the pattern and identify BLUE as the Primary Color for ‘the blues’. Sadness, depression, grieving, mourning, despondency, despair – they are all about LOSS. And nobody gets through life day after day without giving up something that feels essential and irreplaceable. It happens sooner or later.
BLUE/BLUES takes the second tip on the Emotional Color Wheel. The Blues are a low energy and heavy load to carry. Feeling Blue is simply Feeling Blue…
That leaves my signature Emotion. WORRY. And all its little cousins. Anxiety, manipulation, perfectionism, control and that feeling of ‘the sky is falling’ well, not really but it does feel like ‘any minute now,’ the sky is surely going to fall out of the sky. Yellow has to be the Primary Color for Anxiety if for no other reason than it is the last primary color left and this is certainly a Primary Emotion…
YELLOW/ ANXIETY rounds out the Color Wheel of Emotions. Think ‘egg yolk’ yellow with maybe the stench of a bit of rottenness. Ew. It takes its place as the third point and the wheel is complete.
Negative emotions caught my attention like a drive by auto accident. I couldn’t look away. I wanted to look them dead in the eye and feel the adrenaline of full on chaos. Or the nervous crazy energy rush of panic attacks, and even experience the molasses in January sludge of depression.
To be honest, the next part, combining them to make secondary emotions turned out not to grab me in any big way. Put some red anger with a lot of yellow worry and see what orange stuff you make. Or how about some blues with a dap of suppressed red rage and unleash that purple monster on your best friend. The possibilities were more varied and colorful than the Super Sized 120 box of Crayola Crayons!
The lovely Positive Emotions were actually harder for me. It was not easy to bear down on them with my otherwise emotional obsession. They were as easy to identify and color label but I couldn’t dive in to explore them like their brothers of negativity. Too much superstition met me at the door. Embracing happy, optimistic and peaceful spaces in me seemed to be asking for trouble. They would definitely disappear upon being outed. Poof! Over. Done. Not to return soon.
PINK/HAPPINESS of course! Passion, enthusiasm, excitement, lightness, compassion, ecstatic
BLUE/SERENITY and peaceful. Calm, steady, stable, centered, confident, light, full, content
YELLOW/HOPE and optimism. Sunshine, faith, trust, capable, cheerful, free, grateful, safe
Over the years I have been testing the waters and getting comfortable floating in the seas of serenity, or going hog wild with my passions and enthusiasms. I let myself get all pink and rosy and flushed with the happiness of gifts and pleasures that show up. Dreaming about the future and knowing only the best is on its way is becoming almost as natural and easy as my breathing. Sunflowers Everywhere….
My E-COLOR WHEEL is spinning and moment to moment I am hot pink or mustard, fuchsia then midnight blue turning to bright orange followed by raging red and purple people eating monsters and sweet corn yellow that is generous and giving. My color wheel IS me. And I am just fine with whatever mood and hue whirls through me today, tomorrow and forever.
My World My Words 