THREE FINGERS

Right index finger over left index finger, stroke right over left while sing songing, “Shame, shame, shame on you”. That’s right. Every five or six year old had the right to tell you exactly how they felt about you… And, oh my it felt soooo good. Deep deep complete satisfaction. Especially if you were a wimpy kid like me. I wasn’t the leader of the pack, in fact, kids younger than me could call the shots and I’d follow right along. I was UNusually obedient and terrified of all those giant grown ups. I was almost invisible. Pleasant and chatty but not one to stir things up, I lived in fear of being bad…That probably explains why shaming someone else made me feel powerful. Uh, THAT is really shameful (and wimpy).

After finger shaming someone I might also run to Mom and rat them out. Now, some kid didn’t like me, and my mom put me in the annoying column too. I repeat, it was the closest I got to feeling like somebody – I was having control over another human and it felt GOOD! We had rules. Lots of rules for kids about how to talk and behave. Strangely, shaming someone was not on the list. I don’t remember ever being admonished for it. It was allowed… the good old days.

My mom, like most moms was all about fitting in and being socially accepted and that meant ’having manners’. The right set of manners could catapult any family into the realms of the best and finest in their little world. You better know how to set that table – all those forks and spoons. No elbows on the table. No chewing with your mouth open or talking until after you swallow. Language was key. Yes, Ma’am and No, Sir were mandatory in all situations. And, of course, Please, Thank You and You’re Welcome were the religious vernacular of the WELL MANNERED.

One of the finer points that I often missed and had to be set straight on was: No Pointing. Don’t point at any THING and especially not at any ONE! Don’t Point. Don’t take that same index finger that could be used for shaming a member of your cohort and direct it at that same little kid!? Go figure. Over time I had been corrected so often that it sunk in. Pointing didn’t feel good any more. I was long past the age of shaming so it left me with no other option – direct judgement. I could give you my ideas, impressions and criticism of you directly to your face OR lacking a backbone I might prefer to just take that same pleasure and safely judge you from the secrecy of my own thoughts.

Sometimes my finger pointing is benign and innocent. Stating, ”That person over there.” while pointing a finger is not meant to be mean or cruel but it’s still unacceptable and rude. Have you ever been standing in a room and someone far across from you is directing a finger at you? Very uncomfortable. It could mean so many things? So finger pointing is at all times and in all circumstances a no no.

The thing about finger pointing is that there are always three fingers pointing back at me. When I intend no harm those three fingers are harmless. And when my need is to judge and shame (even with my cowardly head talk) those three fingers grow strong and potent and deliver their message: You’re Talking to Yourself, Dummy!

Yes, it turns out anything I say in judgement of anyone else is in some way, shape and form a reflection of my ’innards’. I’ve quoted my dad before because he summed it up like this, People who live in glass houses should not throw stones. I have observed that 100% of the time when I judge or criticize it is ALWAYS a reflection of me. My girlfriend likes to remind me that what I see ’out there’ is a caricature or exaggeration of my own behavior. She says it has to be so big so as to get my attention. Maybe. But it can happen the other way around too. Sometimes when I can have a bad case of stinky stuff that I don’t want to see in myself it only takes a mild version of it out there to bring me to my senses.

I invite you to try this in the privacy of your own home and family. Pay attention and stay in your integrity. Now judge, judge, judge away. Think about somebody and what about them gets on your last nerve. Or just feel how good it feels to wallow in pointing the finger at them. Or try it out when you think you are just giving ’constructive criticism’ to your good friend. Now stand back and wait. Be alert. Be honest. Look inside. Feel.

I’ve pointed this phenomenon out to many of my friends. Almost every single one of them initially tells me flat out that I am wrong. What they judge or criticize in somebody else, they are certain, has nothing to do with their own faults. No connection. Long ago I learned not to argue or defend my own certainty. They ALWAYS come back. Yep. Sometimes they will say it is sometimes true but not each and every time a match to themself. Eventually, one by one they laugh and see the facts.

I will say those THREE FINGERS have taken all the fun out of shaming and judging. What was once a delightful past time of talking and acting with false confidence and superiority has become a hollow experience. There I am – Me seeing Me. All those years and hours of working so hard to suppress and repress the ’uglies’ that I don’t want to confront in myself – OUTED! Not to be put back in the genie’s bottle. Pandora’s box opened.

Years of ’outing’ myself have softened the shock. Sometimes I can even welcome the revelations that come with the strong emotion of a pointed finger. Three fingers coming back at me can bring a smile. That’s me! I do that too! Ha Ha! Is it really so terrible? Do I want to change? Actually, it kinda becomes a gift. A Three Finger Gift.