JUST ME AND MY GOD…

I got lucky. My kindergarten was brand new. It had the smell of bars of soap . We each had our own little wooden cubbie with soap and soap dish that we brought from home. And a little towel too.  My very own small place for my things. Our desks sat in a big open space that had floor to ceiling windows and outside was nothing but  trees and green stuff. Long tables for eating lunch or doing arts and crafts were just across  in another open area with lots of windows and light. Even the kitchen was open on to that one big room. I loved the whole set up. It felt expansive and I felt grown up, like a big girl in the big world. The nuns who taught us were warm and sweet like nice ‘huggy’  mamas.  That kindergarten was, as they say, special. And I was double lucky because most kids  had moms that stayed home  – no need for early education…

I don’t know why Blessed Sacrament was a stand alone campus. No other grades or kids – just kindergarten?  It was a Catholic education and the nuns were either from Mexico and/or Mexican American. Puro Catolicas.  And yet I don’t remember even one mention of The Holy Family, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.  As far as I remember they didn’t tell me about God or angels or saints?  Nada. Maybe I just wasn’t ready and so if they tried to teach me it didn’t stick?  It was all fun and games and simply perfect. No guilt and shame, no sin, no confessions. Happy days.

First grade was a major revolution. Big kids all around me – all the way to the 8th grade!  Yikes. And all kinds of kids. A few Mexicans like me but mostly any and every color shape and size. It made me dizzy. So much newness.  On top of all that it seems I was of age to take in some of the Catholic church’s must-know truths. First and foremost GOD. He was the heavy. He was the One that made it all, did it all, gave out the punishment and He was the only one to say you were good again (forgiven…). I caught on right away. I feared and respected GOD. Images of GOD were almost always a man of a mature age with flowing robes and beard to match. It didn’t take me long to impress this pic in my mind somewhat permanently (like maybe to this day?). There was plenty about The Holy Family, (Jesus, Mary and Joseph), The Trinity ( The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost), saints and Angels (especially Guardian Angels). Adam and Eve and Devils and demons. They covered it all. But GOD was the super star. It was His show. It seemed pretty simple.  I got it.

No body stays in first grade forever. I moved on. I learned lots of science. I took in facts and ration and reason. I lacked common sense but logic came somewhat easily to me. By high school I was learning from the nuns to expand my GOD without too much confusion concerning  the apparent contradictions. Juggle Juggle. Some doubts but nothing to shatter my world. College was a Catholic school too and the brothers who taught us seemed even less worried about our strict or literal interpretation of the whole business. GOD was getting fuzzy. I decided to opt out for a while. I was too cool for Catholocism now. Forget about Sunday mass obligation. I dared to make that mortal sin…

Life kept happening. Mine totally fell apart and then started coming back together. GOD and Jesus had been floating in and out. New choices had to be made. Bottom line – what did I believe???  My conservative side won out. I decided GOD and Jesus were cool again BUT wouldn’t go all the way with all the Catholic rules. Too much guilt and too lazy to put in the effort. Mortal sin seemed old fashioned. Nothing to really fear.

I changed but the world changed more and faster. New ways to have my GOD. He could be more abstract . Super cool. I could imagine him as SOURCE. He could be simply energy.  No longer the old man or angry dad and trying to stay out of His way. This felt pretty good. More like my kindergarten days. Was it possible that He was somehow connected to my higher self?  What is the difference between the two?  Is He pure intelligence?  Now I didn’t feel so lucky. It seemed easier to never have to figure out how all this added up.

I know now that the greater truth or REALITY is that GOD is not the old man on the His throne calling the shots. I know this very very well. And I know that Source or energy  and Higher Intelligence or Nature or Spirit  or Universe and many more mature  labels are the greater truth.  Especially in this Age of Feminism (finally! And hurray!!!) it would be so true to exchange He/Him for She/Her. I can feel how true that is and  some days those are my words too.

And yet, I still go up and down and all around.  My GOD in flowing robes can be kind and loving or have a wagging finger. Sometimes When things are too too tough He is my go to.  I pray to Him and I need my GOD in His first grade costume.

I guess what I know is this:  GOD is too big to go by just one name. I can dance in and out of all of them AND have a lovely night swaying with JUST ME AND MY GOD…