Talking N. I. C. E.

I was christened Judith Gayle Moore (such a name for such a little Mexican girl face…) and I might well have been named Judy Talking Moore. That was my real moniker. It is said I came out of the womb talking. Early and often… Too sensitive (whole other story,,,) and talks too much. I don’t remember what I verbally had to share with the world but I have a vague recollection of my lips being in constant motion. Stream of consciousness from a three year old must have been either very annoying or very fascinating. With five kids and a full time job as a middle school English teacher keeping baby books was not happening but my mom managed to keep a couple of choice stories and memories for each of us. Mine always had to do with how much I talked.

Mom insists I was talking full sentences long before my cousin only one month younger was still babbling la la la’s. A couple of years later another cousin ran to my mom to tell on me, “Aunt June, Aunt June Judy is saying bad words.” “What did she say, Mikey?” “She said ladies and gentlemen.” He also told on me when I used the bad word PRETEND, as in, Let’s play pretend. And I’ve never forgotten the carpool dad taking me to kindergarten informing me,”I swear, Judy, you talk more than any little girl …I was hanging out in the back seat (good old days, no car seat) with my head between him and his five year old son keeping them entertained and sparing them a boring ride to school. So unappreciated! Then there was Uncle Richard – he would watch me in the rear view mirror and every time I’d open my mouth to talk he would start yakking just to take that space from me. That was his way of dealing with my eternal string of words.

Surprisingly in grade school I was NOT that kid that the teacher was always having to move to another desk because they couldn’t keep their trap shut. I held it together in the classroom. On the playground I think I got my share of girl gab in but not so much that I was labeled for it. But at home I continued to be the Family Mouth.

In high school it wasn’t the quantity of my words so much as the tone of my teachy preachy voice that distinguished me as a ‘talker’. I had adopted my father’s lecture style of communication. The kind that makes people’s eyes glaze over… totally free and unsolicited.

When I became a mom my voice morphed into a – Mom Controlling and Domineering Got to Run the Household – tone that kids will never let you live down or forget. And, my husband deals with my verbiage by showing me more of the back of his head than his handsome face – always has a good reason to need to leave the room…

So, yes, I talk a lot. However, full disclosure, I also spend much of my days alone. Then the only recipient of my discourse is ME! Mostly in my head as thoughts, thoughts, thoughts and rarely spoken aloud. Now a days I also spend many hours mostly on the phone and occasionally in person chatting with girlfriends. It was a few years ago that I first questioned the whole business of talking. Social gatherings that relied solely on adults standing around and making conversation seemed odd and pointless to me. And female gossip sessions left me feeling almost dirty.

One afternoon I was sitting with one of my oldest and dearest girlfriends and she began to chide me because I was hesitating to dish out some dirt on someone in my family. She was making fun of me and implying I was a goody good because I wouldn’t jump in. That sent me over the edge.

Why do we do all this talking? Why? Why? Why? What is good talk? What the heck!

And this is what I came up with:

N – Necessary.

I actually have information to share that is essential and factual. As Jack Webb (Joe Friday on Dragnet)would say, “Just the facts, Ma’am. Just the facts.” I can’t solve problems and find solutions without information and knowledge. Good clean solid stuff. And I can’t plan my day or my future without sharing details

I – I Statements

Talking about ourselves and revealing with vulnerability who we are on the inside has become a norm. That is a good thing don’t you think? I have to use a bit of discipline and integrity with this one. It is easy to disguise my self-pity as open revelations about MOI…

C – Compassion

Concern, Consideration, Comfort, Soothe, Empathy and Expressing love to others. This is how I make friendships and is the basis of my relationships. I am learning that I do this best not so much by talking but rather when I LISTEN. Holding the space for another’s pain and speaking few words is the most powerful and loving action I know.

E – Entertainment

Fun, Diversion, Play, Escape, Connection. We tell stories, we laugh, we joke and talk about the weather, we share our good experiences. and sweet memories. Light and happy is what brings me together with everybody else in the healthiest way. Words are only the catalyst and it is really the smile and laughter, the byproduct, that is the true gift of this verbal communication.

*** What is NOT Talking N. I. C. E.

Complaining, Whining, Judging, Criticism, Gossiping and Moaning and Groaning, Boasting, Bragging and Gloating .. (not Necessary, not an I – Statement, not Compassion, and not Entertaining).

BTW – It is physically and emotionally unhealthy for me when I spew it, and it pollutes the air and space of the poor folk that I slime it on. Best to keep it N. I. C. E.

(Thoughts are similar to talking and words. It is probably best to keep them N. I. C. E. Too…)